i cannot control myself as i read jasly's post, maybe its time i pour it all out and here would be a good place, no clash with the CNY mood, no disturbing of anybody, no time difference, i could say anything i want without choking on my words. only me, and me.
CNY 2012, i got to know that i lost someone, one whom i didn't know i felt so close to after so long a separation until i found my tears welling up when dad told me she was joining them at a later time. their expressions were weird, i kept my tears, thankful that skype's resolution wasn't good. i wanted to ask but i didn't. she might be hospitalised, i thought to myself, and deep down i was scared to hear anything about it. and the last thing i wanted to happen is to have her leave me. She, whom I haven't met for 9 years. She, whom i expected to be hugging and chatting to this december when kahling jiejie gets married. i was afraid that history repeated itself again.
9 years ago, i was doing the balancing act primary school children like to do on a kerb-like thingy in between GRPS and the carpark. i stopped momentarily and checked my watch, 5.20pm if my memory didn't fail me. sometime later (could be a day or two i cannot remember), mum told us we need to pack, ahgong passed away at ipoh. The time? the exact moment i checked my watch as i balanced on the kerb happily. On the trip back, i didn't cry. it was the first death encounter i ever had. I knew i need to cry, like its on tv show. so i tried to cry but i couldn't. all through the trip, i was sad but no tears came up, what a strong girl. when i got into dad's car to go to ahgong house, my legs started to shake. it shook so violently i needed to press my hands onto my laps and moved a lot to hide it. i couldn't help it. finally, we reached. getting down the car would probably ease the shaking i thought. i got off the car and saw the funeral. its some distance away because there was no space for dad to park the car nearer. we were late so as a custom, mum could not just walk to the place but had to kneel in or something. i stood still at where i alighted, walk a bited and started to cry, so bitterly it overwhelmed me. dad walked back and cried as he hugged me. i never seen him cry so badly before. we walked in and popo came over, suddenly, everybody just held on to each other and cried. the weight on me was unbearable as they held on to each other but it only made me cry more. i lost my ahgong. the holiday we visited him before his death, he asked me to help him rotate the wall fan, but i didn't know how to. at dinner time, he asked me if i know his full name. but shamefully, i didn't know it when my younger cousin knew it. so i told myself that i will visit again next holiday as a granddaughter who can help ahgong with what he needs and remembers his full name. but it was all too late. the rides on his motorbike, seeing how he slaughtered the boars, playing with his chicks, being afraid of his big dogs, devouring the durians and mangosteen he planted and picked, ... ..., i took my ahgong for granted for 12 long years and it was too late when i wanted to become a granddaughter who at least know his full name. four months later, my maternal ahgong passed away. i didn't shed a single tear during his funeral. but much as i wanted to control it and let them hao zou, i realised it was a blow to me and i let it out during PE lessons one day, vividly remembering mr jumat asking them to leave me alone and yingxian comforting me.
Today, history repeated itself again. the last time i saw ahgong was during his funeral. the last time i saw my popo, was also during ahgong's funeral, sadly. 9 long years and i only spoken to her once on the phone when we become in contact with daddy again. i told her i will visit her one day again in maur and go exercise with her since she don't have any more exercise kakis now that she shifted out of ipoh. but now, i never got the chance to. my popo who made sure she woke up bright and early in the morning to buy lots of cucumbers and make my favourite pig kidneys with cucumbers in vinegar whenever we went back last time, my popo who can speak mandarin to us amidst all the canto, my popo with her distinct smile with mi mi yan, my popo who made sure we baibai to the dieties during CNY, my popo has now joined my ahgong. i no longer be able to see her this december. she left us. i haven't seen her in 9 years and i never would. she passed away 20+ days ago according to mama but i knew only now. she was admitted to the hospital on the day daddy sent me off to toronto but he never told me. he never told me when he texted, email or skyped me after. he felt unwell after that, but still he never told me. and there i was snapping photos of this world thirteen hours behind, playing with the snow while papa was probably sad to the max and yet have to worry about me.
i am kept in the dark, because they love me. mum decided to let me know the truth in the end. it was a painful one. till now, i still don't know the cause and time of her sudden death. i am not allowed to skype dad until i was able to curb my tears. but i really want to talk to him. i typed with trembling hands just now as i signed in skype. i was afraid to tell him i knew about it. i was afraid i would cry. he wasn't online thank goodness. i could email him, sms him, skype call him..but i realise i am afraid how i am going to face him. i need to find more things to busy myself with, enjoy my sep, so that i can snap out of this ASAP. mum is right, the reason why dad didn't want to tell me is because i am weak. so now, finding :) is what i really need to do now, so that mum and dad can stop worrying about me anymore.
mama told me i cannot cry, because if i do, popo won't bear to leave this world. i cannot cry, so that popo can reach ji le shi jie without any burden. i hope this history won't happen again. to my popo, be safe on your journey, to my family, please stay healthy and live a ripe old age.
南无阿弥陀佛 南无阿弥陀佛 南无阿弥陀佛 南无阿弥陀佛 南无阿弥陀佛 南无阿弥陀佛
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