I know of a secret and I am so overwhelmed I decided to not think about it.
Perhaps everything is just nothing but a facade.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
a daughter's fear
Terror management theory
- the basic psychological conflict between wanting to live and having the self-awareness to know that death is inevitable. (Wikipedia,a perfectly ok source for this blog)
I got to know about this terror management theory in social psychology, thinking that it would only be a concern when I am much older. Well, I guess very few young people think about death? Since it is often associated with old age and for us, it seems like there is still so many things to hope for, so many things not yet experienced, so many things undone.
I often whine that I am old but don't realize that as I grow up, my parents are aging. I probably did, when mama plays Candy Crush with slower moves and analytic speed or when dad stands with difficulty supporting his heavy weight. But, its fleeting. But this time round, I got a wake up call. Coupled with all the saddening news around me (I don't even dare to count), mum had an unexpected sprain along with a very serious gastric relapse. I finally experience terror management issues, but in my capacity as a daughter. The fact the sprain and gastric happened right after my final undergraduate exam makes it even more heartbreaking as mama jokingly commented that its time she rest after fussing about me for 23 years. All of a sudden, celebratory plans with family became an assumption of full homemaker responsibilities. Plans with friends were also postponed and I am really thankful for them being such understanding lovelies.
The past few days of homemaking made me reflect a lot. I guess there will be more of such reflections and realizations when we become mums and dads ourselves. I just had a sneak peek earlier. I always thought I am helping my mum already when I normally help with sweeping, mopping and doing the laundry but no, mum's work is definitely more than this. I feel utterly ashamed to think that a homemaking is easy and nothing much. See some significant and tangible changes from being a mugging kid to a temporary homemaker.
Mugging kid ---> Temporary homemaker
1. Waking up at stipulated time and continue to snooze --> Waking up at stipulated time, continue to snooze and later feel bad because mum, who is sick, wakes up earlier AUTOMATICALLY than me and did some simple chores that her aching back allows.
2. Enjoy the fruit juice that mama freshly squeezed and sometimes sent to my room cuz i am still snoozing --> Decide the fruits to be in and the amount (I suck at this), make sure everything essential is in (I keep missing out the ginger and 枸杞子), washing everything in sea salt and after squeezing, clean up the heavy blender
3. Revision/Meal times --> Start fretting about when and what to cook for lunch/dinner, regretted not paying attention when cooking with mum last time (I always ended up doing my favorite task, i.e. doing the dishes), whip up something with the type of food we have at home, make mental note of what needs to be replenish, A LOT OF MULTITASKING and AGARATION OF AMOUNT (I seriously suck at this). By the way, beyond seasoning and controlling the fire, even cutting food is an art because there are actually different way of cutting and even cutting a simple meat differently can result in different 口感
4. Free time (yay facebooking, candy crush, gossip on whatsapp and what not) --> Hmm, should I make tea? Will the rest be hungry later? Steam bun or sweet potato? I didn't think of all these by the way, I am guilty of crushing candies. Mum has to remind me that.
5. More revision or help out with housework --> Housework (Sweep, mop, wipe and laundry). They aren't brainless work as it is when I am just 'helping out' last time, cuz while u may be sweeping, but in your mind, you are thinking about the pot of sweet potato soup cooking, reminding yourself the laundry might be done soon, whether its time to wash the fan or the bed sheets, and yes, what to cook for dinner tonight, who's back for dinner, blah blah blah.
6. Get taken care of (supplements and 'medicine' if sick prepared, meals prepared) --> Take care of others (constantly ask mum how's her gastric, help her massage, prepare ginger bath, help her bathe, cater meals to her needs, decide which medicine is good for her). I have lousy strength, I cannot even lift mama properly or give her a good massage when those she gave me were those shiok ones. I fail at prevention strategies because mum has to remind me to take note of lilin's hmm hmm status also, notice any chances in our daily health status and we need to take precautions!
7. TV time! --> watch TV but mind in the kitchen, mum still has to nag us to bathe.
I am not even a full time homemaker given that Mum still has to give me constant reminders as I am always forgetting things and I practically ask her every other minute what to do next. Come to think of it, Mum may have the gastric issues because she was too caught up taking care of us. She came to this foreign country with almost zero knowledge of English some twenty years back and took care of us single-handedly when dad was like forever overseas. Can you imagine the stress she faced having to navigate this foreign land, enrolling us in schools (she didn't even know I have to be in nursery so i skipped that) and dealing with all the angmoh letters or consent forms. Exams were stressful for me and that was worrying her as well as I crept to sleep beside her during exams (which is why post-exams should be celebrated more with family, cuz other than friends who went into combat mode WITH you, your family went into combat mode FOR you). Anyway, imagine the stress multiplied by three as she worries for different things for each of us. Everything was new but she braved through it. We might not have a very well to do or enjoyable childhood but she has undeniably given us all that she could. Having said that, if anyone thinks that your mum is obiang or unreasonable, its because she spend bulk of the time on these seemingly mundane stuff so that you have more time out for fun and be in while she sacrifices her chances. The superwoman in my heart finally couldn't hide her vulnerabilities on Sunday when she lost her mobility. We had to half carry her to the doctor, bathe her and thereafter took over her responsibilities. Though she has regained her mobility now, her gastric continues to haunt her with all the discomfort every now and then and the vomiting. I have this freaking scary feeling I cannot describe and wouldn't want to anyway but yes, its the terror management thing. All I could do now is to be a even better girl and pray that she recovers soon and lives a ripe old age.
Its time she enjoys life.
The past few days of homemaking made me reflect a lot. I guess there will be more of such reflections and realizations when we become mums and dads ourselves. I just had a sneak peek earlier. I always thought I am helping my mum already when I normally help with sweeping, mopping and doing the laundry but no, mum's work is definitely more than this. I feel utterly ashamed to think that a homemaking is easy and nothing much. See some significant and tangible changes from being a mugging kid to a temporary homemaker.
Mugging kid ---> Temporary homemaker
1. Waking up at stipulated time and continue to snooze --> Waking up at stipulated time, continue to snooze and later feel bad because mum, who is sick, wakes up earlier AUTOMATICALLY than me and did some simple chores that her aching back allows.
2. Enjoy the fruit juice that mama freshly squeezed and sometimes sent to my room cuz i am still snoozing --> Decide the fruits to be in and the amount (I suck at this), make sure everything essential is in (I keep missing out the ginger and 枸杞子), washing everything in sea salt and after squeezing, clean up the heavy blender
3. Revision/Meal times --> Start fretting about when and what to cook for lunch/dinner, regretted not paying attention when cooking with mum last time (I always ended up doing my favorite task, i.e. doing the dishes), whip up something with the type of food we have at home, make mental note of what needs to be replenish, A LOT OF MULTITASKING and AGARATION OF AMOUNT (I seriously suck at this). By the way, beyond seasoning and controlling the fire, even cutting food is an art because there are actually different way of cutting and even cutting a simple meat differently can result in different 口感
4. Free time (yay facebooking, candy crush, gossip on whatsapp and what not) --> Hmm, should I make tea? Will the rest be hungry later? Steam bun or sweet potato? I didn't think of all these by the way, I am guilty of crushing candies. Mum has to remind me that.
5. More revision or help out with housework --> Housework (Sweep, mop, wipe and laundry). They aren't brainless work as it is when I am just 'helping out' last time, cuz while u may be sweeping, but in your mind, you are thinking about the pot of sweet potato soup cooking, reminding yourself the laundry might be done soon, whether its time to wash the fan or the bed sheets, and yes, what to cook for dinner tonight, who's back for dinner, blah blah blah.
6. Get taken care of (supplements and 'medicine' if sick prepared, meals prepared) --> Take care of others (constantly ask mum how's her gastric, help her massage, prepare ginger bath, help her bathe, cater meals to her needs, decide which medicine is good for her). I have lousy strength, I cannot even lift mama properly or give her a good massage when those she gave me were those shiok ones. I fail at prevention strategies because mum has to remind me to take note of lilin's hmm hmm status also, notice any chances in our daily health status and we need to take precautions!
7. TV time! --> watch TV but mind in the kitchen, mum still has to nag us to bathe.
I am not even a full time homemaker given that Mum still has to give me constant reminders as I am always forgetting things and I practically ask her every other minute what to do next. Come to think of it, Mum may have the gastric issues because she was too caught up taking care of us. She came to this foreign country with almost zero knowledge of English some twenty years back and took care of us single-handedly when dad was like forever overseas. Can you imagine the stress she faced having to navigate this foreign land, enrolling us in schools (she didn't even know I have to be in nursery so i skipped that) and dealing with all the angmoh letters or consent forms. Exams were stressful for me and that was worrying her as well as I crept to sleep beside her during exams (which is why post-exams should be celebrated more with family, cuz other than friends who went into combat mode WITH you, your family went into combat mode FOR you). Anyway, imagine the stress multiplied by three as she worries for different things for each of us. Everything was new but she braved through it. We might not have a very well to do or enjoyable childhood but she has undeniably given us all that she could. Having said that, if anyone thinks that your mum is obiang or unreasonable, its because she spend bulk of the time on these seemingly mundane stuff so that you have more time out for fun and be in while she sacrifices her chances. The superwoman in my heart finally couldn't hide her vulnerabilities on Sunday when she lost her mobility. We had to half carry her to the doctor, bathe her and thereafter took over her responsibilities. Though she has regained her mobility now, her gastric continues to haunt her with all the discomfort every now and then and the vomiting. I have this freaking scary feeling I cannot describe and wouldn't want to anyway but yes, its the terror management thing. All I could do now is to be a even better girl and pray that she recovers soon and lives a ripe old age.
Its time she enjoys life.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Updates
Hello pocket!
Its been a while since I logged in blogger (maybe more than 'a while' since i took some time to recall my password lol). No specific topic today, just loads and loads of update. These five months have been full of ups and downs. I guess I have aged (ok, matured) quite a bit. Visiting my blog today, I actually find the skin childish haha, hunted for some skins and again, none to my liking. In the end, I am actually settling for blogger's classic template, but it looks really pleasing to me though lols.
In any case, I AM HERE TO ANNOUNCE I AM DONE WITH MY UNI YEARS! its a delayed announcement but yea. Other than a few surreal moments, I guess it hasn't really sink in that i am done with uni. Or maybe cuz I still have another year to go in NIE. Four years of psycho mugging, B12L8-ing, SAVE-ing and what not, I am so going to miss this life but I will leave this to another time *procrastinating*. Ah, I am not started with my grad celebration though, because mummy sprained herself. its a wake up call. A call I will answer at a later time, for now, its time to cook dinner.
brb!
Monday, December 31, 2012
farewell 2012, HELLO 2013!! :D
this sudden urge to blog, only to realise my last post is apr?! 2012, so unbelievably fast. This time last year, I was busy with my last minute prep for Canada, this time this year, this new year eve, I am sick and stuck at home -.-. No longer young to survive the consecutive days of outings, but nonetheless, I am looking forward to a new 2013!! :DD
Dear 2012, I would say u are definitely more 惊心动魄 than my 21st heehee, for the so many first times :)
my first time really putting my words into actions, stepping real out of my comfort zone into the other side of the globe. 22 year old, 22 amazing experience
1. survived long flights, n for a kuku me, a record 6 flights!!
2. survived a crazily cold subzero winter. ok, laotian is nice to us with an abnormally warm winter but still brr
3. first 'professional' snowman!!
4. first backpacking
5. first natural ice-skating
6. first road trip yay!!
7. first ski, despite all the malu-ness
8. lots of travelling in Canada n USA, crazy but fun <3 div="div">
9. visiting all the places of wonders
10. survived an angmo academic sch term
11. Cirque du Soleil show at hollywood!!
12. what happens in LV, stays at LV but LOL don't think YY hahaha :P
13. Wwoofing - not bathing for days, cleaning chicken coops, playing with all the animals, all the saikangs, all the sharing and learning, all the fun and memories
14. first time holding a real gun!!
15. first time entering a casino, both in LV and genting
16. drinking, both wine, non-wine, the getting drunk and not drunk haha
17. crazy number of movies
18. lovely gatherings with cliques <3 div="div">
19. attempt at being an 'entrepreneur' lols
20. fun at flea market
21. jie's wedding!! first bridesmaid experience
22. knowing a lot more about myself :)
These might seem trivial to many but still, they are precious memories to me, signifying baby steps I take having a more fulfilling life. Of all, item 22 is i guess my greatest takeaway from 2012. Despite all the wondrous things I have experienced, 2012 has its giant share of downs for me too. but i am glad things ended off quite well i would say, and hopefully stay that way, i leave 2012 with a better understanding of myself, especially those flaws of mine. So, to a better 2013!
I seldom set resolutions because I am a roti prata and a superb procrastinator (looking at how i still haven't talked about this skiing post i promise for so long lol), but this year I am going to set just this one resolution that I am not going to leave it here heh. Giving myself 1.5 years to attain it, ok maybe 2, it will be crazy if i ever attain it before i marry lols. Might achieve it at the expense of my grad trip but lol, i have a NIE grad trip lah hor. Shall visit this very post when I graduate from NIE and we shall see how 'good' i am at procrastination! The new year shall be another year of exploration as I continue to find out what is my real passion. Cant wait for the brand new 2013, it can only be better!! :DD Happy New Year everyone!! :)
Friday, April 13, 2012
jaw v suan but i like
the faces that i haben seen for sooooooooo long
the much needed style of laughters i miss
happy max max
quoting gor
bliss
life is tough when we are away without our close close ones
for a moment, i recall how we always update each other
about random happenings
about milo truck
about everything under the big blue sky
miss the feeling
but thanks guanyinma theres still social media
its still the big blue sky
for now i need to nurse my jaws
too long nv exercise it already apparently
lalala :)
Friday, March 23, 2012
dotca
hello blog. looks like i am not keeping up with my blogging resolution again oops. alright, skiing outstanding, i know.
just wanna drop by to say that its getting harder and harder (reminds me of the sociolinguistic project's boston pronunication ha-dar and ha-der) to concentrate on my work. gah, the SEP mood is finally setting in.
shit, my main intention of blogging is to say that, interestingly, the blogs accessed here end off with '.ca'! it might be some usual kind of stuff but i was amazed lol. bei-inthepocket.ca keke. so are other blogs ;)
random rants, i had my flintstone day again, apparently flintstoneness can travel too. but all went well in the end.
maybe due to some magical power ;)
just wanna drop by to say that its getting harder and harder (reminds me of the sociolinguistic project's boston pronunication ha-dar and ha-der) to concentrate on my work. gah, the SEP mood is finally setting in.
shit, my main intention of blogging is to say that, interestingly, the blogs accessed here end off with '.ca'! it might be some usual kind of stuff but i was amazed lol. bei-inthepocket.ca keke. so are other blogs ;)
random rants, i had my flintstone day again, apparently flintstoneness can travel too. but all went well in the end.
maybe due to some magical power ;)
Friday, March 9, 2012
IMO
After hunting for my kinder surprise egg, i forgot what i wanted to blogged about lol. Let me refresh my memory. For a filler, my ice fishing trip is cancelled =( because the ice is too thin. And oh wait, my friend just replied to say it might be possible at the other side of the lake! whee!
Ah, recalled what i wanted to blog about already. Nothing much to do with CAPONHOL but just some random thoughts that have accumulated today. Gah, how should i put it in words. In short, i just felt that i process matters in a really childish manner. Take Kony for example, just a video and i got duped my tears and into believing every single sentence of it, without any IMOs. It wasn't until people started posting other critics and stuff before I realised, hey wait, why did i so easily believe the video in the first place? I know some kind of social psych stuff is going on here but i am determined to snap out of this! I think i mentioned before I really admired people who have a view of themselves, always being able to analyse situations and provide their take on the issue. Unfortunately, somehow, i wasn't brought up to become like this. haiz, what an obedient girl. the perfect citizen our gahman would love. Some other stuff happened today too which led me to think this way but I cannot remember the details, just the general feel~ hmm, something from wong fu productions but i seriously cannot recall. Anyway, i really hope to have more opionions haha, critical mind to be exact, though people feel that being qing cai makes life easier. Glad that i have a bunch of smarties friends beside me who always have their thinking cap on ;). Alright, new resolution, to be more critical before i become Ms Low. If not, students attending my class will be like kids going to playground. NO WAY!
On a side note, why isn't my English improving. My post feels like an ahlian post.
Ah, recalled what i wanted to blog about already. Nothing much to do with CAPONHOL but just some random thoughts that have accumulated today. Gah, how should i put it in words. In short, i just felt that i process matters in a really childish manner. Take Kony for example, just a video and i got duped my tears and into believing every single sentence of it, without any IMOs. It wasn't until people started posting other critics and stuff before I realised, hey wait, why did i so easily believe the video in the first place? I know some kind of social psych stuff is going on here but i am determined to snap out of this! I think i mentioned before I really admired people who have a view of themselves, always being able to analyse situations and provide their take on the issue. Unfortunately, somehow, i wasn't brought up to become like this. haiz, what an obedient girl. the perfect citizen our gahman would love. Some other stuff happened today too which led me to think this way but I cannot remember the details, just the general feel~ hmm, something from wong fu productions but i seriously cannot recall. Anyway, i really hope to have more opionions haha, critical mind to be exact, though people feel that being qing cai makes life easier. Glad that i have a bunch of smarties friends beside me who always have their thinking cap on ;). Alright, new resolution, to be more critical before i become Ms Low. If not, students attending my class will be like kids going to playground. NO WAY!
On a side note, why isn't my English improving. My post feels like an ahlian post.
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